(I like to imagine this is what I look like when I’m on my computer, reading your messages. Instead, I’m an old baseball tshirt and pajama pants, drinking coffee and listening to Beyonce. Good Morning, ya’ll.)
from a sweet one:
mck, you don’t know me, to you i am just an anonymous blog reader. however, i admire your happy and joyful spirit. what are your secrets to the happiness you have and feel?
hello there. fancy thing is, you are not anonymous! Even though we’ve never met, I like to believe we are friends - especially since I bear my heart on the Internets for you to read - it helps if I can believe we aren’t total strangers.
And the secret to my happiness is Jesus. He’s it. I was a high school/early college/mid-college girl wrestling with never being enough - smart enough, ambitious enough, pretty enough, funny enough, wise enough, cool enough, spiritual enough - and one breezy day in October, Jesus reached down into the emptiness that I continued to wallow in and “picked me up from the pit of despair” as it says in Psalm and “set my feet on solid foundation.”
I could never be enough - as hard as I tried, I continued to fail and be imperfect. Attempting to portray and create a perfect life was like juggling jello; impossible. My identity and worth was rooted in being enough. And since I never was enough, in my own eyes, it was an ugly cycle that resulted in pride, anger, self-dislike and jealousy.
I was a mess, to say the least, but didn’t want anyone to see that mess. Instead, I wanted to be the perfectly happy, ambitious, charming Christian girl with a sense of humor and kindess to match. However, there was this emptiness that nothing - no accomplishment, award, compliment or status - could cure.
I lugged around the weight of my burdens and shame of wrestling with doubt, until the faith that I proclaimed to believe - that Jesus died on the cross for my sins to pay a debt that I could never pay all for His glory - sank in.
When I realized that Jesus died not just to save me from death, but to redeem me from the pit, it all changed.
And when He spoke His unwavering affection over me to my heart, I knew I was ENOUGH.
I belong as the daughter of the Creator of the Universe. I am enough because Christ is enough and Christ is within me.
And I still wrestle, I still struggle, I still doubt, I still find myself not believing that I am enough - but all of this is His grace and redemption.
So that is the incredibly short explaination of this joy you see on here. Celebrating pink peonies and swinging on my front porch eating boiled peanuts. Pausing in front of the Rockies to crawl out of my rental car and let the cool air whip and whisk across my cheeks. Painting my nails Cajun Shrimp and wearing anything leopard I can get my hands on.
Because I know He saved me from a life of trying to be enough.
And I believe that all little joys are gifts of grace. Directing my heart back to the One who authored sweet moments.
He saved me and for that, I’ve got a deep, abiding, flowing river of joy. Thanks for asking and noticing - you are sweet and I am happy to share more if you’d like to chat.